Jewish American Heritage Month

Posted By richards on July 10, 2015

Unite the Beards is a new and remarkably nave organization that wants to bring hipsters and Hasidic Jews together. Theyre based here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where the Hasidic community has made it very clear they hate hipsters way more than everybody else does. Before moving to this area 13 years ago, I lived in Montreal, which is also lousy with Hasidim. I have a place upstate, too, which is probably #3 as far as densest Hasidic populations go.

After a good 25 years of being surrounded by them, I still dont know the first thing about them. This is primarily because theyve decided isolationism is the key to cultural preservation.

Im of two minds about this. On the one hand I think, Fuck you for not wanting to hang out, but on the other hand, you have to admire a culture that can remain virtually untouched for over 300 years. Its like Quebec. You hate them for enforcing their draconian language laws, but you admire them for resisting the Disneyfication of North America. People are baffled by the French Canadian accent, but its how most rural French people spoke hundreds of years ago.

I cant tell you what Hasidic Jews are like or even if I like them, but I can tell you what its like to be around them. Here are 10 things Ive noticed over the past quarter-century.

1. THEY HATE HIPSTERS Orthodox landlords have begun renting to hipsters because it pays, but the Hasidim are pissed. They see this as an invasion and in a sense, theyre right. The Amish do well with Rumspringa because its not on their turf and its only two years. If you had chicks who dress like theyre in a ZZ Top video living in an Amish community, Rumspringa would quickly become a permanent RumSCHWINGa and the Amish would be done.

Hasidim are not known for their driving skills and I think its because they trust God a little too much.

2. NO, THEY REALLY HATE HIPSTERS The Great Bike Lanes War of Williamsburg has been raging since at least 2009. Hot girls on bikes ride through Hasidic communities flaunting their blasphemously saucy legs and ungodly cleavage. The Hasidim retaliated by painting over the bike lanes and the hipsters fought back by painting them on again. The Hasidim got the city involved and the hipsters fought back by having a topless bicycle parade. When Mayor Bloomberg told the Hasidim to get with the program, they pointed out that its almost election time and they hold a huge sway over who gets elected. The bike lanes were gone the next day.

That doesnt mean the beef isnt still on. Just last week a female friend sent me this video of a van full of Hasidim attacking a cyclist for riding through their neighborhood.

We didnt have this kind of conflict in Montreal. Up there the Hasidim just make the most delicious bagels in the universe and leave everybody alone. Maybe women in New York are just sexier?

3. THEY CANT TOUCH WOMEN Im not bananas about menstrual blood, but my experience has been that most women wash their hands after inserting a tampon. If a woman wants to give a Hasidic guy change at his photography store, she has to kind of lob it at his hand. This isnt usually a problem because Hasidim have developed almost freakishly good catching skills.

See the rest here:
10 Weird and Wonderful Things About Living Among Hasidic ...

Category: Hasidic
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